What would you do?

I usually publish things with the aim of uplifting, edifying and hopefully entertaining.

This post is largely self-therapy. I’m posting it because I feel helpless and alone, and unsure what to do.

I discovered today that I am / have suddenly become uncomfortable around little girls in swimsuits. Specifically one little girl. It’s giving me flashbacks to childhood trauma.

I didn’t feel this when my own children were young. We went swimming as often as I could manage to, because I love swimming, it’s an important life skill & a healthy activity. Also, where we live it’s very hot in summer.

Noticing and thinking about my reaction has led me to realise that with my own children I was very “present” and engaged with them. They are real people that I have (& always had) very real connection with. When I was with them I was thinking about them, their feelings and needs, making sure they were safe & having a happy time. I was somewhat hyper-vigilant about keeping them safe because of my childhood, & because their father also violently abused me, both physically & psychologically. The Family Court insisting that they spend time with their father was a terrible blow to me. It was a great relief when the same Court later removed his parental rights altogether, leaving my children with me, but that took too long.

Despite all this, my children did not give me flashbacks to trauma. I think this is because, as I said, they were real people I was (& am) connected to. Being around them was part of an active, focussed life which occupied my thinking with plans. Plans for dinner, plans for Christmas presents, planning activities into our schedule…most mothers will have an idea of the mental load involved. (For a slightly comical illustration, see “I Don’t Know How She Does It”, starring Sarah Jessica Parker.) My children, perhaps strangely, didn’t remind me of me. This child does.

I think my experience today is partly because this is a child I don’t know well, but one I’ve seen several times now. It’s also a child I suspect is being abused. What I don’t know is whether I have these suspicions because of my own hyper-vigilance, or because she really is being abused.

Today involved her running around the house where we were, wearing only a swimsuit, even after the temperature dropped. It’s still 20°C, so perhaps this is fine. Everyone else was fully dressed, including other children. I kept wanting to tell her to put clothes on. I kept having small flashbacks, and fearing for her safety as people commented on how close she is to one male relative.

At the same time, as I’ve previously observed, they were treating a boy very differently. There were presents involved, and not only did they give the girl lots more presents, but they made a big fuss about it, pointing out to the boy that she got lots more presents. With hindsight, this was like “negging”, a technique promoted by abusive men to deliberately damage a woman’s self-esteem so that she will have sex with him. Obviously this is very damaging. This was a whole group of interconnected people doing this to these children. Maybe it just seemed that way?

I was so uncomfortable with this situation, and so powerless in this group that I made an excuse to leave. Cowardly self-preservation.

Making an official report may have very serious consequences for my own circumstances. It’s not like I’m a Teacher with a school to protect me.

I’m not currently a Mandated Reporter, but I have been previously. I have made official reports about other families before. Once I made a report about a father and a teenage girl. They removed the girl from the family very quickly. Things have to be pretty bad for that to happen. The father tracked me down, came to my house and tried to kidnap my toddler. This was how I found out that the daughter had been removed. My husband stopped him. It was terrifying.

I have been a member of a profession which deals with child abuse, as well as having been subjected to investigation myself because of my abusive ex-husband. This means that I understand intimately what really happens.

I used to believe that reporting can only do good. If there’s no abuse, no problem. Right? Not really.

It can be intrusive on an innocent family and damage what were good relationships.

If the abuser is able to make it seem like they are innocent, it can make the abuse better hidden, not less bad. If, like my ex-husband, they can make it appear that someone else is the abuser, they can get even more access to the child, at the same time removing a protective person.

Abusers are generally good actors and social manipulators. They are often charming & well-liked. When abuse is discovered, it affects a whole network of people. The child might end up with more emotional abuse from more people, some of it unintended, as people react to the challenge to their own perception & judgement. “But he was always so nice to me!”

So, this is my dilemma. What if I cause harm instead of doing good, even though my intention is to save a child.

Do I make a phone call and report my suspicions?

Do I bring invasive authorities into a family’s lives, based on me feeling uncomfortable?

I have no actual evidence, and I’ve just seen a whole group seemingly involved together. They will, no doubt, protect each other.

What can I do? What would you do?

(Note: A stock image is used on this post. It is not the child that I mentioned.)